Good morning, God--
And thank you for this new day and this new week in my life. I hope that I'm able to make the most of all the gifts that you've given me, and that I'm able to give to others in positive ways this week.
It's astonishing that it's almost February already. Time seems to be going faster and faster the older I get--will a year seem like a month if I ever hit 90?
I'm kind of perplexed about how I feel right now. I feel extremely vulnerable and not very confident. It's not a good feeling. I know that much of it has to do with having a class to teach with no materials--that makes me feel that the students aren't getting the continuity and coherence that they need to be studying a language, and I feel responsible for that. I know that it's not my responsibility at all, but the feeling is still there. It makes me hyper-sensitive to any criticisms or negative reactions, and I don't like that feeling, either. So the next few months are going to be challenging, I think. I don't even want to look at the evaluations from last semester because I feel so vulnerable right now, even though I don't believe that there's any reason to fear seeing them. It's crazy. I guess it's good in a way that I'm placed in a situation in which I'm learning more about the triggers for my fears and vulnerable feelings, but it's not easy to go through, especially with no one to talk to about it.
So here I am, sharing it with you.
A reply:
And I'm glad that you've done so. As you well know, though, even more important than talking about something like this is actually listening to the reply. And I'm glad that you do listen.
You are vulnerable. Everyone is. People who live from their hearts and spirits are even more vulnerable than those who try to live from their logic and brains. The paradox, of course, is that that vulnerability is the very thing that makes you stronger if you live from your heart and spirit. A threat to you may make things difficult, but you have your spirit to fall back on; you have your faith to carry you through the difficult situations. You also understand where people are coming from when they criticize you or try to knock you down--such actions are coming from who they are as people, and you know that.
Feeling your vulnerability isn't necessarily the problem--the problem comes if you allow that feeling to control your actions or words. It's completely normal to feel fear if you walk into a burning building, but sometimes it's necessary to do just that. It's normal to feel trepidation when you confront a loved one about a serious problem, but the problem still must be faced. You don't want to read the evaluations because the students may make some harsh criticisms based on their very limited perspectives, yet you've been teaching for many years and your evaluations have consistently been quite high. What is it about the possibility of harsh evaluations now that makes it more difficult? Your teaching hasn't changed much, but it is your first semester back at college after many years of secondary school--and thus your first semester of evaluations written by students in a very, very long time.
You are vulnerable. Everyone is. Perhaps everyone can use a constant reminder of just how vulnerable everyone else is around you. You feel fear and trepidation, but you're not showing it to the people around you. Other people feel those same fears, yet they're not showing them to you. Let it be for you an important lesson about the people in your life so that you might treat them with dignity and respect, even when their actions may reflect more their hidden fears than their true thoughts or feelings. Perhaps this feeling is a lesson in compassion.
Good morning, God, and thank you for this new day and this new year in our lives! It's been a couple of weeks since I last spoke with you here, though I hope that communication is open between us all the time, blog or no. I've been working on a project that I just finished yesterday, so now I actually have some time to do something other than that project.
We've started a new year, as you well know. Personally, I don't see it so much as a start as a continuation--we left 2015 and entered 2016, but we also just finished Thursday and started Friday, when all is said and done. Life keeps on keeping on, and the new years just keep on coming, don't they?
On the other hand, I like the idea of a new start. I like the metaphor of the new year being a book with empty pages that we're going to write our story on for the next 360-some days. Somehow, having the idea of a new start in my mind helps me to get focused on certain things, and that focus helps me to accomplish things that I want to accomplish.
I suppose what I mostly want to say is thank you for the promise of the new year. None of us knows if we're going to be around for the entire year, of course, but we have to start it as if we are. We can't start the year hesitantly and hope for the best--we have to enter the year boldly and make our goals and do our best to do the things that we hope and dream we'll be able to do. I'd like to ask your help with that. I'm not good at stopping and asking for help when I start something, but I know that I don't have to stop and ask you every time for you to be there with me, helping me out. So as this new year goes on and I start to take on different tasks and challenges, I hope that you'll be there with me to help me to do things according to your will, the will of love, as I make decisions and start projects and take on challenges. Even if I don't physically stop and ask you at the time, I'll still have the same standing request for your help and guidance. And I thank you in advance for being there.
A reply:
You're right--you don't have to ask me over and over again. In fact, it's mentioned in the Bible that you actually shouldn't do so. People have been wise for a very long time, and one of the indications of their wisdom was the recognition that I'm not petty. I'm not going to say "Well, he didn't ask me in the right way, so I'm not going to help him at all." If your heart is always with me and hoping to do things for the good of the world, then I'm with you. Any of you, and it doesn't matter what religion your parents have taught you--if goodness and love are being spread, I'm there helping. Remember that the motive is also important, because a kind act done with the motivation of receiving something in return is no longer a kind act--it's a form of barter. And thank you for asking--keep me in mind and you'll also keep your motives pure.
A new year is a nice gift, though it's based on the concept of time, which isn't nearly as important as many other things. Love is a good example. A new start is fine, but many people want to keep doing the same things, even with a new start. When they do that, they get the same results, of course, and then they start to feel negative about new starts. They don't keep in mind that if they continue to act in the same ways, they're going to get similar results. They want to change the results without changing the actions or the beliefs, and life just doesn't work that way. So look at your new year as a chance for you to start acting in different ways, and you'll see some significant changes. Look at it with the hope that it's going to bring you new results all on its own, and you'll be quite disappointed. Some new results will indeed creep in, but they generally won't be of your doing.
So enjoy the year. It is a gift, and it is for you. Make the most of it by making some of the changes that you've been longing to make. Take risks. Do things differently. Meet new people and give new gifts and share new ideas and act in new and positive ways. Think about it--if I were to give you a new canvas to paint on, would you use old paint that has faded and dried out, or would you use new paint with brilliant colors and high quality? Yes, buying the new paint is a risk that you'd have to take, and the picture may not turn out exactly as you envisioned it, but the risk is worthwhile, for that is how you grow in life!
