Trust Issues

As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I have trust issues.  This is a reality for me--I have difficulty trusting people.  It's a fact of life that I can't change, and that I don't necessarily need or want to change.  I accept it for what it is and I deal with it, and I do my best to keep my difficulties to a minimum.  I recognize that I do have the problem and I work hard to make sure that I don't allow it to affect other people.  In other words, I don't let my difficulties in trusting you affect the way I treat you--I treat you as someone whom I should trust, even though there's something in the back of my mind that says that you will betray me or that you won't come through on your promises.

This is very hard to live with.  My mind is telling me constantly that no matter what I do, other people will let me down; therefore I have to take care of everything myself if I want it to have a positive outcome.  And unfortunately, many people in my life still continue to violate my trust.  People who owe my wife and me money aren't paying us back.  People who owe money to a trust that I control aren't paying the trust.  I accepted a job because I was promised something as a part of that job, but that something hasn't come through.  Overall, my experiences tell me that trusting people is a mistake, though my heart tells me that it's the best thing to do.

What do I do about this?  What can I do about this?  My wife and I are currently facing the possibility of bankruptcy--if we're even able to declare it--because other people aren't paying us what they owe us.  We've tried to be generous, we've tried to be giving, we've tried to be helpful, and right now those efforts are definitely haunting us, as virtually everything that we earn is going out each month to make payments to compensate for what the other people aren't paying us.  In short, we're screwed.  Even though we're both working extremely hard and earning decent money (not good--decent), we don't see any benefits at all from our work--at least, not financial benefits.

I usually feel like I'm treading water, and I don't know how it's come to this when the people we've trusted are so close to us.  We shouldn't be in this situation.  We're not big spenders, we buy all of our clothes either on sale or in thrift stores, we buy store brands and almost never eat out, we don't vacation at all. . . yet we're basically broke all the time because we're having to pay out money that other people aren't paying us.

What more can I do?  What more can we do?  How can I build trust in people--or develop it in the first place--when people keep betraying our trust and letting us down?

An answer:

This is very difficult to address, for there are so many different variables to be taken into consideration.  I know that sounds like a cop-out, but it is the truth.

First of all, don't get down on yourself.  The "Law of Attraction" people will tell you that these people are people that your lack of trust attracts people into your life who can't be trusted; therefore, they say, it's basically your fault.  But these people are family, not people whom you've "attracted."  What has happened has been the result of your willingness to be sharing, to be generous, and to be kind, and the people in your life--your family--have accepted that generosity but not lived up to the terms that they agreed to when they accepted it.

This is not your fault.  It is not your doing.  Some things in life don't have anything to do with you, but with other people.  This is a fact that the Law of Attraction people deny, and when they deny it, they're basically placing blame on you for other people's actions.

I think that one of the most basic questions that I can ask is simply this:  Do you trust me?  Do you trust that I will make sure that you're alright, that you don't starve, that you're not out in the street?  Do you trust that things will turn out okay in the long run, even if they look bad in the short run?

Me:  Yes, I do trust that, though it's difficult.  It's hard to trust the "long run" when the short run offers no real evidence that the long run will be better.  Our short run over the last three years has been full of loss after loss.  That's the bottom line.  We've really gained nothing at all, and we've lost a house, an RV, all of our credit, all of my retirement money, all of the furniture we had, and quite a bit more.  And through that loss we've dealt with tons of stress from creditors, and mostly because of loans that we co-signed on for family members.

So the short answer is, no, not really, because there's very little evidence that I can be trusted.  And I can understand that response.  Now, I can sit here and reassure you over and over again that things will be okay as long as you trust me, yet you've trusted others whom you love and the result has been very negative.  Therefore, you see only the possibility of a negative result if you trust me now.  Your major concern as I see it, though, is less about trust and more about how much you can take before you reach a breaking point.  How much work can you do without seeing any benefits before you're not able to continue working?  How many times can people let you down before you lost faith in them completely?

These are all very important issues, and I will address them.  Just not right now.  Right now it's very late and you're very tired, and since you're the one writing all this down, the best thing you can do is get some sleep.  This will also give you some time to process all that you've said, to think about it fully from several different angles.  Hopefully when you get back to this, you'll be able to be open to the answers that I give you.

I will talk to you soon.

Good morning

Good morning, God.  I just have a little prayer today that I'd like to share with you.  I pray that as I go through the day, I'm able to treat all people with the dignity and respect that they deserve.  I hope that I'm able to face any problems head-on and deal with them effectively.  I pray that you will be with me all day long on a conscious level--that I don't forget that you're there with me as I make decisions and try to do the best in all I can.  And I thank you for this new day full of promise and potential, full of opportunities to work with my students and to do what I can to teach them well, in ways that will be beneficial to them in the long term, not just now.

Prayer

Good morning, God, and thank you for this new day in my life.  I have more opportunities to learn and to grow today, and I really do appreciate them.

I started thinking last night about prayer, and about just how little I actually do pray.  I do believe that living our lives as fully as we can is a form of prayer, but I also believe that a strong prayer life can help us to keep focused on you and on the "better" things in life, the more fulfilling things.  Unfortunately, though, I find that I'm not really spending all that much time talking to you, or listening to you.  I do write on this blog from time to time, but I'm not really sure that this qualifies as actual prayer, a time of communion with you.  Sometimes I think that this is just me rambling.  Sometimes I think that this is less about talking to and with you and more about just talking (or writing, as the case is).

Other times I think that this is a very important form of prayer, a prayer that helps me to clarify thoughts and feelings, a prayer that helps me to let you know how I feel and what's up with my life.  It's my best way of expressing myself, and it wouldn't be a lot different for me to sit down in a quiet place and talk to you, either out loud or in my mind.

But if these "prayers" of mine are important, am I really covering the things that will help me to live a more fulfilling life?  Am I really bringing to you the issues that I should bring to you?  I haven't been talking here about the frustrations I've been going through the last four years.  I haven't been talking about the difficulties in relationships because I know that here online, other people can see them and misinterpret them.  And if I'm neglecting things like those here, and I'm not covering those things in a different form of prayer, then just when can I bring those things up with you?  And how?

Sometimes I feel that prayer is a bit futile, since there's this conception that you know everything anyway.  But that's a thought that doesn't sit well with me--why would you want to know everything about everyone.  Perhaps you're like a computer in that respect--the information's there, but only if you want or need to access it.  Otherwise, it's just out there until someone else brings it to you.

I don't know.  I know that many people pray to try to get their own way, to try to gain control over others.  Many people pray for material goods.  Others pray for forgiveness, even over things for which they don't really need to be forgiven.  I pray to clarify--but I'm not sure that can be considered communicating with you.  And isn't that how I communicate with everyone these days--just to get or to share information?  I'm not sure what prayer should be, but I never leave it with a feeling of having been comforted--I always leave it with a feeling of "that's something I need to work on."

A reply:

Your last two sentences finally get to the gist of the matter with you.  Prayer is communion with me, in whatever form you find the most helpful.  And yes, this does count, writing in this blog.  But you're dealing with a frustration that you haven't been able to conquer in your life--not being able to connect with other people.  You try very hard to connect, but since you still haven't been able to overcome most of your fears (the ones that have been with you since you grew up with an alcoholic father), most of your communication takes the paths determined by your fears, not by your love.

And yes, that includes your communication with me.  Because you started out life letting your fear determine how you communicated, you faced much, much rejection, and all of that rejection served to reinforce your fears and drive them more deeply into your being.  And that's where you come from most of the time--from a place determined by your fear.  Even when you talk to me.  Heck, especially when you talk to me.

When you ask me for things like financial stability, behind every request is the fear that what you ask for won't be granted--and in your case, you view that fear as a surety.  What you ask me for won't be granted.  You're sure of that.  Yet you ask anyway, even though you see no hope of actually getting what you ask for.  And because you see no hope, you act as if the financial stability you seek (for example) won't be coming no matter what you do.  But it is out there for you to achieve.  You just have to believe that it is achievable.

Now this goes against the grain for you, because you don't like to be blamed for things.  That's typical of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  But remember that I am not blaming you for anything.  This is just the way things are.  And in order for things to become different, then the way you act must change.  The things that you do must change.  If you want financial stability, then your relationship with money--the ways that you earn it and spend it and use it--must change.  And so far, they have changed.  You're in the process of making your way toward the stability you seek, but it is a path that you need to follow to the end.  Yes, there are some shortcuts and some other paths that can offer you insights and income and other things that may help you, but in the end, you must walk the path.  You're on it.  Trust the path.  Trust me.

And if you're feeling this dissatisfaction with prayer, listen to the discomfort, and learn from it.  Find ways to make prayer a more central focus in your life.  You won't regret it.  Your dissatisfaction is your spirit talking to you.  Your spirit has been patient up until now, but if it's speaking up, that means that your spirit sees that patience is no longer the most effective way of dealing with you.

Hi

Good day, God--and thank you for another set of hours to live through, a new set of experiences to have, and a new day full of opportunities to do good for others.  I thank you for this new day and all that it brings, and I ask you to be with me today so that my actions and words will be uplifting and encouraging.  If you're with me, I know that I'll be able to stay more focused on doing what needs to be done and saying what needs to be said, rather than relying solely on my own judgment.  Which is good, I know, because it's a gift from you, but which often gets hijacked by the ego in an effort to make myself feel better or feel like I have some control.

A reply:

Good morning to you, too--and thanks for saying Good Day to me.  You would be amazed at how many people simply never do so.  I will be with you all day, as I am every day, in all situations.  You are right--if you stay focused on me being there with you, your actions do change.  It's kind of like the way one speaks when one is with one's mother versus how one speaks when mom isn't around.  This is one of the reasons that we have mothers and fathers; or at least, that was the original intention.  The way things are today, this is a principle that is fading.

You have the right idea to try to keep your judgment and your ego separated--good job on that!  And good luck with it; I'm sure you'll do fine, especially since you are aware of the issue.

I wish you a glorious day, and I wish you all the best with your students today!

Not thankful enough?

Good morning, God!  Thank you for this new day, and this new week.  I do appreciate the fact that I get at least another day on this planet, and that this coming week is going to be a very short one at work, and a very easy one at that.

It's Thanksgiving week here in the States, and this is what I see as a wonderful holiday.  How can it be a bad one when there are so many people focused so strongly on gratitude and on being with people we love?  It's a more difficult holiday still because so many people are still hurting for money, but that of course doesn't take away from the beauty of what the holiday is.

That said, I do have to ask you about gratitude.  What we hear from others is that if we have enough gratitude for the things that we have in life, then we will always have enough things, and even more.  If we're thankful enough for our salary, they say, then our salary will go up.  If we're thankful for our friends, then we'll have even more friends.  But I'm one of the most thankful people that I know--my mind is constantly focused on gratitude for the things and opportunities that I have, and on the people who are a part of my life.  Yet over the years, I constantly find that I have less and less of the things for which I'm thankful.  After many years of being thankful for work, I was laid off through no fault of my own.  Even though I'm thankful for our home and the things we have, we find ourselves constantly in financial stress, constantly struggling to make ends meet, also through no fault of our own (but that's another story!).

I guess my question is this:  Are these people right?  Am I fooling myself to think that I'm grateful when in reality I'm not?  Is my gratitude somehow faulty, or self-serving?  Are our financial difficulties a result of a lack of gratitude for the finances we have?  Does the Law of Attraction not work for us because we're focused on the wrong things?  I've spent years trying to work myself out of the concept of lack, and away from thoughts of lack, but when things don't change no matter how much I change, does that not say that there's something wrong?  There are many people out there telling me that the things that happen to me are all a result of my thinking--so does that mean that in my thinking there isn't enough gratitude?

An answer:

To answer your last question first:  absolutely not.  That should do it. Once you hear the answer to that question, you should feel the doubts you're feeling slip away.  But I know that more of an explanation will be helpful to you.

The people out there who are telling you these things are people who are trying to make money by telling other people things that have worked for them in their lives.  What they are doing is generalizing the cause-and-effect relationships that they've seen, without being completely sure that they're seeing them correctly.  In other words, they think positively for a few months, they see positive results, and they infer that the first caused the second.

But your life is not a result of just your thoughts.  You could have thought the most positive thoughts in the world several years ago, and you still would have been laid off.  Your experience there was a result of situations entirely out of your sphere of control, and they were bound to happen.  The school district was poorly run, and it ran out of money.  That's all there was to it.  When you walk into the classroom and you have all the positive thoughts you can possibly have, and two of your students are having awful days, the attitude that they bring to class is beyond your control.  You can try to help them to change their attitudes, but if something serious is going on at their homes, then you're probably going to have limited success.  Their worlds extend beyond the classroom.

Gratitude is extremely important in life, but it doesn't guarantee anything except positive results in your own attitude.  Thankfulness does bring great things, but that doesn't stop other things from happening.  Deaths happen, anger happens, resentment happens--and when those things happen to others who allow their own negative feelings to affect your life, then all you can do is control your own reaction.  And having an attitude that is full of thankfulness for the blessings in your life definitely can help you to cope with the negative things when they happen, but that attitude isn't necessarily going to be a causal agent for a life without problems or negative issues.

Your idea of "not thankful enough" is a result of seeing and hearing what other people say and then applying their words to your life without really stopping to make sure that what they say is accurate.  I know that you don't do this month, and it heartens me to see that you don't slam yourself for your supposed lack of gratitude.  In fact, you have a healthy perspective on how much gratitude you do have.  Keep it.  It will be a good and faithful friend through hard times and easy.  But don't think that anything negative that happens in your life has been brought forth by you.  Things often come from other sources, and they do affect you.  In those cases, the most important thing you can do is to make your way through those times in as positive a way as you can.  Thankfulness will help you to do so.

Lots of fear

Good morning, God, and thank you much for this new day in our lives.  I really do appreciate having another day on this planet to live and grow and learn and give.  There have been many, many people on this planet who have not had as much time as I've had, living in a time of plenty as I do.

I've been thinking a lot about all the hatred and fear that we've been witnessing over the last few months as our ridiculous election process came to a head.  It astonishes me that so many people who have so much as a result of the society that's been built here can do so much to try to hurt others.  It amazes me that those who have the most so often do the least to share what they have.  It makes me sad to see that their preferred method of trying to persuade someone to vote for one candidate is to harm the reputation of the other one.

It was really pretty obvious, also, that much of the anger directed at our president had to do with his race.  The fact that there are still people who hold on to racist ideologies sickens me, especially when they expose our children to those thoughts and perspectives.  That sort of garbage is the last thing that we need our children to be learning if we want our society to grow and develop.  Racism just throws us back many years into a dark time when people were so afraid of life that they had to subjugate other people to make themselves feel better about their own lives.

I understand that fear is one of the primary motivators among humans, but after all these years of learning how to deal with it, why do we still have so many people who spread fear for their own gain, and so many people who buy into what they're spreading?  It's sad and despicable that people who have plenty can try to make others fearful so that they can continue to have plenty.

An answer:

Everyone wants to maintain that which they've gained.  No one wants to spend their lives creating and building a legacy--even if that legacy is as fleeting as financial wealth--only to lose it.  The people of which you speak may be among the wealthiest among you, but they're also among the most fearful.  Could you imagine what it would be like to go through each day working mostly just to maintain the fortune that you've built, instead of going through the day trying to give to others and contribute to the world in positive ways?  Yes, you do have money worries, and yes, you have lost an awful lot over the last four years, but imagine what that loss would have looked like had you been wealthy.

And of course, you can make the argument, "Had I been wealthy, I wouldn't have lost all that."  But keep in mind that often, in order to maintain one's wealth, one must risk huge amounts of money.  If those risks go bad, of course, it's possible that one can lose virtually everything.  In your situation, you know how to live frugally and it doesn't affect you negatively in the least.  But if you had gotten used to luxury and a wealthy lifestyle, it wouldn't be nearly as easy for you to make the change to a lifestyle that's predicated on saving money and watching your spending closely.

You also don't have the fear of what you'll look like in other people's eyes.  One of the most destructive forces among the wealthy is their tendency to put much, MUCH importance on appearances.  They feel that they have to appear perfect at all times, and it's difficult to express the damage that they do to themselves and to their families when they adopt that need as a lifestyle.

In short, much of the anger and hatred that the world witnessed was a result of the fear of loss, the fear that if one candidate was elected, the conditions that tend to favor the wealthy (because they've made them up, of course, with the power the money has brought them) would soon be diminished, and without that favor, they may have to struggle more to survive.  The last thing they want is a level playing field, for that takes away their advantages.  That's just how it is.  And when there's a threat of change, no matter how positive that change would be for the country as a whole, there are always some who will fear that change and the changes that they'd be forced into.  Fear is a huge factor in life, and when you have more to lose, you have more to fear.

What interests me is that all the attacks and all the fear-mongering didn't seem to work.  This time.  That seems like a step forward.

A Spirit Am I

Good evening, God, and thank you for another day of being able to work with a bunch of fascinating and inspiring young people.  It was another rewarding day, one that saw nothing particularly amazing, but that was very positive nonetheless.  I really do appreciate the opportunity to work with young people, for it helps to keep my attitude positive in many ways.

I want to write this evening about my spirit.  Although referring to it that way, of course, is inaccurate, a reflection of the untrue perspective that's been taught to me my whole life long.  There's no such thing as "my" spirit, after all--as if a spirit is something that we possess, like a football or a shirt.  No, we really ARE spirit, and we really ARE unified with you.  Our unity is one of the most important elements of who and what we are, yet it's something that we tend to forget almost all the time.  But if I am spirit, then that's something that I never should forget, isn't it?  Isn't that something that should be super important to me, something that I focus on all the time, for being a spirit puts me on a different level than the level on which I see myself as a human being?

Or perhaps I don't want to remember that I'm spirit, for if I do so, then doesn't that raise the bar for me in virtually everything that I do?  The moral and ethical implications are profound, to say the least, and the physical and mental and emotional aspects of my being are also affected deeply by a perspective that acknowledges that I am not simply another body here on this planet, but a spirit who is using a body for the time being.

I'll admit, I can't even define "spirit" or "soul" for you.  I have no idea what they are in the sense that the people of our world use those words.  And I suppose that it isn't even important that I be able to do so.  I think the most important thing that I can do is simply to be a spirit, even if I don't know completely what it means to be that.  Perhaps, God, you could help to open my eyes and my heart and my mind to the awareness of what this part of me actually is.

I think that it's important for me to get somewhat of a grasp on just what I am, for in order to develop my relationship with you more clearly, I need to know clearly who I am.  And while I would like to write more right now, I'm definitely falling asleep, so I'll finish this off sometime tomorrow, and get myself to bed right now.  Thanks for listening!  I'll be back!

In All Honesty

Good morning, God, and thank you for this new day.  I hope to make it a good day, one in which I'm able to give to others who are willing to receive!  I would like to ask you to stay with me, though, and to help me to stay focused on love and compassion, and not let frustration or any other negative emotions take charge of me or my actions or reactions.

I put that title, there, God, because I'm still very confused about the concept of honesty, especially how it applies to us.  In theory, honesty isn't supposed to be a relative term, but in reality it definitely seems to be.  If I'm in a store with my wife and she wants an opinion on a piece of clothing, I can tell her what I think if something doesn't seem to fit her.  But if she's at home and she's already bought it and she's asking me what I think, then I can't give her the same answer that I would have given her in the store before she bought it.  It's a very strange dynamic.

But my major concern is that in our culture, lying is becoming not only acceptable, but even defendable.  If I support you and you've been completely dishonest, then I'll defend your words, even though I know that they're not true.  I do this to be "true" to you.  It doesn't make sense.  When should we call our loyalty off and acknowledge the fact that someone has lied, and even call them on that?  How can we even think of electing as our leaders people who have blatantly lied, have been called on their lies, yet still present themselves as leaders?

A reply:

Election time is a very good time to have these thoughts, for we see so many people struggling with their ideas of truth, and many people violating their own ideas about it.

In fact, truth can be seen as being much like me:  everyone wants you to worship their idea of me, yet few are willing to live up to their own ideas of me.  They say that you're wrong if you don't believe as they believe, but their actions very often don't live up to just what they believe in me.  Many say that I'm a God of love and compassion, yet show little of either in their lives.  But as soon as you fail to show love and compassion, they'll be all over you with their harsh criticism.

Truth is similar.  People have their ideas and their ideals concerning truth, and most people would agree that truth is relative, yet as soon as they catch you "violating" their ideals about truth, they're willing to condemn you--even though they violate those same ideals themselves.  They just don't get caught by other people.

Truth must be relative.  Some people will say that I condemn liars, but I really don't condemn anyone--you condemn yourselves.  (But that's a different topic!)  There are many lies that I look on with approval.  For example, say that you're with a man during his last few moments of life.  In that time, he says some incredibly harsh, mean, and vicious things about his wife, who can't be there with you.  You're the only person in the world who knows what he says, and later, his wife asks you what he said during his last moments of life.  Are you going to be completely honest and tell her, word for word, exactly what he said?  Of course not--if you do, then you're just as cruel as he was.  But if you say something like, "He wasn't able to talk much near the end, but he did want me to tell you that he loved you very much," you have lied.  But it's a lie that feels right, because it's a lie that is right.

I have given you an inner mechanism, a conscience, that is a very good indicator of what's right and what's wrong.  You'll know when saying something that isn't true is the best thing for a given situation.  In politics, when people lie knowingly to try to hurt someone else, they never feel good about it in their consciences, though their logical minds may tell them that what they're doing is fine.  But they're also not being honest with themselves, and that lack of honesty will come back to them.  All things that are done with malice come back to those who commit them.