Belonging

Okay, so you mentioned that I should talk about belonging, so here it is.  It's an extremely difficult topic for me to address, because when all is said and done, I don't think that I've ever felt that I belong anywhere.  From childhood on, I've felt like an outsider, wherever I've been, whatever I've been doing.  And because of the lack of a feeling of belonging, I don't think I've ever learned what it means to act as if I belong somewhere.  I don't know what it means to trust that others see me as a part of any type of group.  I don't have any experience in feeling comfortable in any situation, really.

And the most ironic thing for me is that the lack of a feeling of belonging tends to lead to certain types of friction that keep me from feeling that I belong--a type of never-ending circle, if you will; a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.  I've learned in life not to let myself feel comfortable in any situation involving groups, so I feel as if I'm doomed to stay at the edge of groups, always looking in from the outside, never being a true part of them.  To others, this probably looks like aloofness, or arrogance; to me, it feels like fear and worry.  What will happen if I do feel comfortable in a group?  Will I then be rejected and cast out, and then have to deal with that sort of pain instead of the pain that I feel from not feeling a part of things?

I do know that this is a very painful feeling--there are no two ways around that.  I am happy with my life as it is, but I recognize in it what I feel sometimes to be an incompleteness, a type of emptiness that I'm not sure how to handle or how to eliminate.  Perhaps I'm not supposed to feel that I'm a part of things.  Perhaps my lot in life is to live on the periphery, always looking in at others who are living as a part of the whole while I struggle to make myself feel connected to anything at all.  I do miss connection, partly because I've never really felt it at all when it comes to the world as a whole, and partly because I do want it.

Am I supposed to fill that hole with you?  That's what a lot of the fundamentalist Christians say, but they never say how.  Am I supposed to pray when I have a long history of unanswered prayers?  Am I supposed to give up hope and just focus on the other things in life that I enjoy and that I do well at?  There are so many questions, and so few answers, it seems.

A reply:

These are difficult topics.  And just to be clear, there are several different topics here, all of which are very valid, and all of which are very important, both to you and to me.  I think that one of the most important things to keep in mind is something that you make very clear yourself--there's a difference between belonging and a feeling of belonging.  You definitely belong, in any group, in any situation.  All of the people of this planet belong, though not all of them feel that they do.

Of course, it's not that simple.  You would not feel comfortable in a group of people who are racists and who want to harm people of a certain race.  You would not "belong" in that group in one sense, the sense that uses racism as its deciding factor as to whether or not you feel that you're a "part" of the group.  In another way, though, since all of the people in that group are human beings who feel and who hurt and who laugh and cry and who also want to "belong," then you are a part of that group.  But it's a group that you would (and probably should) choose to avoid.

If you have problems at work, it could be that your lack of a sense of belonging is affecting you there.  On the other hand, it could be something else.  Perhaps your work is not fulfilling, and you're hoping for a way out that doesn't force you to make a decision to leave.  Perhaps the people there aren't the kind of people with whom you feel that it's positive to hang around with.  And perhaps, also, it is your fear--your lack of feeling of belonging--sabotaging you and keeping you from making the contacts that humans so strongly long for.

You were created as social beings, for the most part.  Community is in your genes and in your hearts.  One of the things you need to do, though, as human beings, is to define community for yourselves.  For some people, community means a very small circle of friends; for others, that circle is extremely expansive.  In your case, you don't feel that there's any community of which you are a significant part, and that can be painful.  You've moved all of your life.  You've changed homes over and over again, in the process changing the people you know and work with.  That causes many difficulties that other people simply don't face, the most obvious one being a lack of deep relationships.  In your family, there are no deep relationships.  So where can you "belong"?  And how?

Now here's the hard part:  I want you to rest assured that you do belong.  Believe that you do belong, and act as if you do belong, and you will start belonging.  That will mean speaking up those times when you feel like shutting down and staying quiet.  That will mean volunteering when you want to rest and relax.  That will mean committing yourself to things that may be a bit uncomfortable, that may cause you to spend time with other people so they can get to know you a bit better.  If they do think that you're arrogant and aloof--no matter how wrong their impression--the only way to get them to change their perspective is to help them to learn that the judgment they have of you is wrong.

It won't be easy.  You do have the strength to try, and you do have me here behind you.  You have others behind you, too, even if you don't feel their presence and their support.  Try this, and remember that you have to act as if you belong if you are to belong.  And you have to act that way even if it goes against your feelings of not belonging.

Check-in

Good morning, God, and thanks for this new day that already has started.  I'm just checking in right now--I want to say hello and thank you for all the new opportunities I have this day for new experiences and new feelings and for learning and growing.  I appreciate the fact that I have another new day on this planet to experience all that it has to offer.  I've already lived longer than a vast majority of people who ever have been alive, and I know that's a great privilege.

I would like to ask for your help when I'm dealing with issues that come up in my life.  I would like to be able to deal with all such issues from a spiritual place, from the part of me that knows peace and love.  I don't want to deal with problems from a place of frustration or anger or any other negative feelings.  There have been times in my life when I've actually been pretty good at doing so, but somehow I've come full circle, back to a place where I'm not focused nearly enough on the spirit and far too much on the world and all its problems.  Sometimes I think that all I really need is a reminder, and that the reminder would be enough to help me to focus on the good and the positive in any given situation.

Any hints?

A reply:

What you seem to want is some sort of alarm clock that can be set to go off whenever you start to feel stress.  Something like that would be similar to an aspirin that you take any time you feel a headache--you may be treating the symptoms, but you're not really getting to the heart of any problems.  What you really want is to come from a spiritual place all the time so that you're dealing with everything in a spiritual way.

I would say there are several ways to maintain this focus.  First of all, it's important to make prayer a very important part of your life.  I'm not talking about prayer for show, and I'm not talking about simple repetition of words that someone else has written.  I'm talking about regular check-ins with me and your spirit (which are one and the same thing, by the way), reminders that life is a spiritual adventure and that you can deal with any situation in a spiritual way--and that doing so will be much more effective than being defensive or aggressive or angry or anything else that promises unsatisfying resolutions to your problems.

It's also important to see other people as spirits having a human experience.  They, too, are going through problems, are dealing with issues that change their feelings and behaviors.  Once you see them as spirits, though, on exactly the same level you are, you'll be able to deal with them as such.  And they'll appreciate it, even if not on a conscious level, and you'll then treat each other with more dignity and respect.

Can you wear something to act as a constant reminder?  I'm sure you have something around that you could put on a finger or a wrist or on a shirt.  It should be something that nobody else understands the meaning of, for if they know what it is, then your reminder becomes something you're using to show other people your "spirituality" rather than a symbol that helps you to stay centered.  Kind of like the bandanna you wore around your knee at the summer camp many years ago.  That worked pretty well, didn't it?

Speaking of that, perhaps next time you can write about belonging.  I'd love to hear what you have to say about that topic.

Good Morning

Good morning, God, and thank you for this new day that we all have.  I really do appreciate the opportunities I have to meet new people, to live, to love, to learn, and simply to be.  I appreciate the food and the clothing and the shelter that I have, and I appreciate the opportunity to work to earn the money to provide these things in my life.

Life has taken some interesting turns since last I added to these pages.  It's been difficult to contribute partly because of my efforts to minimize Internet time and maximize time spent on other things.  While I do like the flexibility of the Weblog format and the ease of talking to you this way, sometimes the computer is on too much, and I'm on the computer too much.  I've been thinking recently, though, that taking this time with you is more important than some of the other things that I end up doing.  I don't know--it's definitely possible to overthink such things, of course, but in many ways I don't feel the spiritual growth that I had hoped to be feeling.  Somehow I need to kick-start that growth, and what better way to do so than to open lines of communication with you?

What I hope to experience in spiritual growth is simply growing closer to you, making you a bigger part of my life, my decisions, my relationships.  I want to be one of those people who makes it clear to the world that my spirit is extremely important to me--more important than almost anything else.  I want to be able to treat other people as a person of spirit would treat them, and I want to be able to give freely of myself in all ways possible, whenever it's appropriate that I do so.  And I want to be able to discern between those times when it's appropriate and those times when it is not.

I sincerely hope that I'll be able to keep this up and to continue to grow.  I hope to address issues that are very important to me.  I hope to be able to reach points at which I feel good about the choices and decisions I make.  I want to feel a closeness to you, not a distance from you.  Please help me to stay dedicated to maintaining this dialogue, and please be with me when I do so.

A reply:

Of course I'll do so.  The time off that you've spent from this has been necessary time for you; otherwise it would not have happened.  I think you know that even if you haven't been maintaining this dialogue, you still have been growing closer to me.  The blessings of your life have not shriveled up and disappeared simply because you haven't been making blog entries.  My love for you has not diminished.  Remember that it's not possible for my love for you to be broken or destroyed--it's one of the few constants that you experience in the world that you're on, and it's that constant that keeps many people in their faith.

I welcome a dialogue with you.  I welcome a dialogue with anyone who chooses to speak to me and listen to me.  I love it when that happens.  I'm glad that you're back.  That said, though, I never considered you "gone" when you weren't making entries here or in your other journal.  Sometimes learning has to take place where you are, when you are there, and sometimes that learning needs to last a long time before you're able to process it, internalize it, and then discuss it.  I think that our dialogue in our near future will be richer and fuller because of the time that you've been growing in other ways, learning from other people and other situations, and feeling things that you wouldn't have felt had you had a stronger connection to me.  In many ways, you've been walking through a desert, and you've come out amazingly well.  It will be wonderful to discuss those times with you now!