Good morning, God, and thank you for this new day in my life. It's a beautiful day so far, one that promises to be peaceful and relaxing. It's a nice kind of day to look forward to during this season of peace and hope and love, and this season of introspection and reverence.
Because it is Christmas, I like to think Christmas thoughts--I like to think about people caring for one another, people sharing what they have, people thinking about others and what they may want as gifts. I like to think about what life would be like if we had the same thoughts about others the entire year long, and if we were to think more about the people in our lives than we think about ourselves. What would the world be like if we considered the well-being of our fellow human beings before we thought about our own?
I know it's kind of a pipe dream, but it is a fascinating concept, isn't it? I know that the chances of such a thing happening in my lifetime--if it ever does happen with humans--is slim to none. But I also often wonder what I could do to help bring about such a state of affairs--if I can do anything at all. It would be nice to contribute to the positive side of the world, but can I do so? And if so, how?
This is only a short note, as I'm not really in the writing mood at the moment, but I do want to say thank you for this beautiful season, and thanks for all that I have--and thank you for a glimpse of how things could be if we were to keep Christmas in our hearts all year long, focusing on others and their needs rather than on ourselves and our own needs. I do appreciate this holiday season, and I love it very much.
Sunday, December 23, 2012
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Not caring
Good morning, God. Thanks for this new day--I hope that I'm able to make it a positive one in many ways, but we'll see what happens! I know that I have many opportunities in the coming hours to make something special of the day, but things don't always go as planned, or as hoped.
Yesterday was very frustrating at school. There are those days when some students are too much, when their lack of caring and their lack of effort just becomes overwhelming. It gets very frustrating being in a classroom with students who just don't want to work. I understand much more why teachers burn out so quickly and so badly--we face students who give no effort, and then we're blamed for the fact that they don't learn. It's pretty sad. And I understand that there are many factors that contribute to their problems, and I do sympathize with them, but I can't fix their lives. I see them only in the classroom, and I have to deal with them on that level.
I don't think I'm asking for an answer today. I'm just kind of venting.
Yesterday was very frustrating at school. There are those days when some students are too much, when their lack of caring and their lack of effort just becomes overwhelming. It gets very frustrating being in a classroom with students who just don't want to work. I understand much more why teachers burn out so quickly and so badly--we face students who give no effort, and then we're blamed for the fact that they don't learn. It's pretty sad. And I understand that there are many factors that contribute to their problems, and I do sympathize with them, but I can't fix their lives. I see them only in the classroom, and I have to deal with them on that level.
I don't think I'm asking for an answer today. I'm just kind of venting.
Friday, December 7, 2012
Checking In
Good morning, God--
It's been a while since I've talked to you here, though we have talked in other contexts, in other ways. Things are getting busy again, with a lot of time and energy focused in one particular direction over the last couple of weeks. Fortunately, the time and energy spent is having positive results, so the time hasn't been wasted. I just hope that the results continue to be good, and continue to improve.
The school experience seems to have dropped into a valley. The students that I work with are great kids, but few of them seem to want to excel. Few of them seem to want to accomplish more than doing the bare minimum and then moving on to the next thing. It's a sad thing to watch, to be honest. The lack of drive in young people who have so much potential is painful to watch. And it's even more painful to be trying to motivate them to excel, only to have them turn a deaf ear to my efforts. Perhaps I'm not the person to be motivating them--perhaps there's someone out there to whom they would respond better. I don't know.
I do understand better now why teachers have so many problems with students. It's easily the most frustrating--and fulfilling--work that I've done. There are many times when I just want to turn around and walk out, but I know that that would be wrong, and would accomplish nothing but getting a lot of stress out of my life. But my life right now has become a constant series of reflections on how to get kids to respond, to be interested in what we're doing.
I guess that you understand this frustration quite well. You must feel it a lot with us.
A reply.
Yes, I do.
It's been a while since I've talked to you here, though we have talked in other contexts, in other ways. Things are getting busy again, with a lot of time and energy focused in one particular direction over the last couple of weeks. Fortunately, the time and energy spent is having positive results, so the time hasn't been wasted. I just hope that the results continue to be good, and continue to improve.
The school experience seems to have dropped into a valley. The students that I work with are great kids, but few of them seem to want to excel. Few of them seem to want to accomplish more than doing the bare minimum and then moving on to the next thing. It's a sad thing to watch, to be honest. The lack of drive in young people who have so much potential is painful to watch. And it's even more painful to be trying to motivate them to excel, only to have them turn a deaf ear to my efforts. Perhaps I'm not the person to be motivating them--perhaps there's someone out there to whom they would respond better. I don't know.
I do understand better now why teachers have so many problems with students. It's easily the most frustrating--and fulfilling--work that I've done. There are many times when I just want to turn around and walk out, but I know that that would be wrong, and would accomplish nothing but getting a lot of stress out of my life. But my life right now has become a constant series of reflections on how to get kids to respond, to be interested in what we're doing.
I guess that you understand this frustration quite well. You must feel it a lot with us.
A reply.
Yes, I do.
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Trust Issues
As an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, I have trust issues. This is a reality for me--I have difficulty trusting people. It's a fact of life that I can't change, and that I don't necessarily need or want to change. I accept it for what it is and I deal with it, and I do my best to keep my difficulties to a minimum. I recognize that I do have the problem and I work hard to make sure that I don't allow it to affect other people. In other words, I don't let my difficulties in trusting you affect the way I treat you--I treat you as someone whom I should trust, even though there's something in the back of my mind that says that you will betray me or that you won't come through on your promises.
This is very hard to live with. My mind is telling me constantly that no matter what I do, other people will let me down; therefore I have to take care of everything myself if I want it to have a positive outcome. And unfortunately, many people in my life still continue to violate my trust. People who owe my wife and me money aren't paying us back. People who owe money to a trust that I control aren't paying the trust. I accepted a job because I was promised something as a part of that job, but that something hasn't come through. Overall, my experiences tell me that trusting people is a mistake, though my heart tells me that it's the best thing to do.
What do I do about this? What can I do about this? My wife and I are currently facing the possibility of bankruptcy--if we're even able to declare it--because other people aren't paying us what they owe us. We've tried to be generous, we've tried to be giving, we've tried to be helpful, and right now those efforts are definitely haunting us, as virtually everything that we earn is going out each month to make payments to compensate for what the other people aren't paying us. In short, we're screwed. Even though we're both working extremely hard and earning decent money (not good--decent), we don't see any benefits at all from our work--at least, not financial benefits.
I usually feel like I'm treading water, and I don't know how it's come to this when the people we've trusted are so close to us. We shouldn't be in this situation. We're not big spenders, we buy all of our clothes either on sale or in thrift stores, we buy store brands and almost never eat out, we don't vacation at all. . . yet we're basically broke all the time because we're having to pay out money that other people aren't paying us.
What more can I do? What more can we do? How can I build trust in people--or develop it in the first place--when people keep betraying our trust and letting us down?
An answer:
This is very difficult to address, for there are so many different variables to be taken into consideration. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but it is the truth.
First of all, don't get down on yourself. The "Law of Attraction" people will tell you that these people are people that your lack of trust attracts people into your life who can't be trusted; therefore, they say, it's basically your fault. But these people are family, not people whom you've "attracted." What has happened has been the result of your willingness to be sharing, to be generous, and to be kind, and the people in your life--your family--have accepted that generosity but not lived up to the terms that they agreed to when they accepted it.
This is not your fault. It is not your doing. Some things in life don't have anything to do with you, but with other people. This is a fact that the Law of Attraction people deny, and when they deny it, they're basically placing blame on you for other people's actions.
I think that one of the most basic questions that I can ask is simply this: Do you trust me? Do you trust that I will make sure that you're alright, that you don't starve, that you're not out in the street? Do you trust that things will turn out okay in the long run, even if they look bad in the short run?
Me: Yes, I do trust that, though it's difficult. It's hard to trust the "long run" when the short run offers no real evidence that the long run will be better. Our short run over the last three years has been full of loss after loss. That's the bottom line. We've really gained nothing at all, and we've lost a house, an RV, all of our credit, all of my retirement money, all of the furniture we had, and quite a bit more. And through that loss we've dealt with tons of stress from creditors, and mostly because of loans that we co-signed on for family members.
So the short answer is, no, not really, because there's very little evidence that I can be trusted. And I can understand that response. Now, I can sit here and reassure you over and over again that things will be okay as long as you trust me, yet you've trusted others whom you love and the result has been very negative. Therefore, you see only the possibility of a negative result if you trust me now. Your major concern as I see it, though, is less about trust and more about how much you can take before you reach a breaking point. How much work can you do without seeing any benefits before you're not able to continue working? How many times can people let you down before you lost faith in them completely?
These are all very important issues, and I will address them. Just not right now. Right now it's very late and you're very tired, and since you're the one writing all this down, the best thing you can do is get some sleep. This will also give you some time to process all that you've said, to think about it fully from several different angles. Hopefully when you get back to this, you'll be able to be open to the answers that I give you.
I will talk to you soon.
This is very hard to live with. My mind is telling me constantly that no matter what I do, other people will let me down; therefore I have to take care of everything myself if I want it to have a positive outcome. And unfortunately, many people in my life still continue to violate my trust. People who owe my wife and me money aren't paying us back. People who owe money to a trust that I control aren't paying the trust. I accepted a job because I was promised something as a part of that job, but that something hasn't come through. Overall, my experiences tell me that trusting people is a mistake, though my heart tells me that it's the best thing to do.
What do I do about this? What can I do about this? My wife and I are currently facing the possibility of bankruptcy--if we're even able to declare it--because other people aren't paying us what they owe us. We've tried to be generous, we've tried to be giving, we've tried to be helpful, and right now those efforts are definitely haunting us, as virtually everything that we earn is going out each month to make payments to compensate for what the other people aren't paying us. In short, we're screwed. Even though we're both working extremely hard and earning decent money (not good--decent), we don't see any benefits at all from our work--at least, not financial benefits.
I usually feel like I'm treading water, and I don't know how it's come to this when the people we've trusted are so close to us. We shouldn't be in this situation. We're not big spenders, we buy all of our clothes either on sale or in thrift stores, we buy store brands and almost never eat out, we don't vacation at all. . . yet we're basically broke all the time because we're having to pay out money that other people aren't paying us.
What more can I do? What more can we do? How can I build trust in people--or develop it in the first place--when people keep betraying our trust and letting us down?
An answer:
This is very difficult to address, for there are so many different variables to be taken into consideration. I know that sounds like a cop-out, but it is the truth.
First of all, don't get down on yourself. The "Law of Attraction" people will tell you that these people are people that your lack of trust attracts people into your life who can't be trusted; therefore, they say, it's basically your fault. But these people are family, not people whom you've "attracted." What has happened has been the result of your willingness to be sharing, to be generous, and to be kind, and the people in your life--your family--have accepted that generosity but not lived up to the terms that they agreed to when they accepted it.
This is not your fault. It is not your doing. Some things in life don't have anything to do with you, but with other people. This is a fact that the Law of Attraction people deny, and when they deny it, they're basically placing blame on you for other people's actions.
I think that one of the most basic questions that I can ask is simply this: Do you trust me? Do you trust that I will make sure that you're alright, that you don't starve, that you're not out in the street? Do you trust that things will turn out okay in the long run, even if they look bad in the short run?
Me: Yes, I do trust that, though it's difficult. It's hard to trust the "long run" when the short run offers no real evidence that the long run will be better. Our short run over the last three years has been full of loss after loss. That's the bottom line. We've really gained nothing at all, and we've lost a house, an RV, all of our credit, all of my retirement money, all of the furniture we had, and quite a bit more. And through that loss we've dealt with tons of stress from creditors, and mostly because of loans that we co-signed on for family members.
So the short answer is, no, not really, because there's very little evidence that I can be trusted. And I can understand that response. Now, I can sit here and reassure you over and over again that things will be okay as long as you trust me, yet you've trusted others whom you love and the result has been very negative. Therefore, you see only the possibility of a negative result if you trust me now. Your major concern as I see it, though, is less about trust and more about how much you can take before you reach a breaking point. How much work can you do without seeing any benefits before you're not able to continue working? How many times can people let you down before you lost faith in them completely?
These are all very important issues, and I will address them. Just not right now. Right now it's very late and you're very tired, and since you're the one writing all this down, the best thing you can do is get some sleep. This will also give you some time to process all that you've said, to think about it fully from several different angles. Hopefully when you get back to this, you'll be able to be open to the answers that I give you.
I will talk to you soon.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Good morning
Good morning, God. I just have a little prayer today that I'd like to share with you. I pray that as I go through the day, I'm able to treat all people with the dignity and respect that they deserve. I hope that I'm able to face any problems head-on and deal with them effectively. I pray that you will be with me all day long on a conscious level--that I don't forget that you're there with me as I make decisions and try to do the best in all I can. And I thank you for this new day full of promise and potential, full of opportunities to work with my students and to do what I can to teach them well, in ways that will be beneficial to them in the long term, not just now.
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Prayer
Good morning, God, and thank you for this new day in my life. I have more opportunities to learn and to grow today, and I really do appreciate them.
I started thinking last night about prayer, and about just how little I actually do pray. I do believe that living our lives as fully as we can is a form of prayer, but I also believe that a strong prayer life can help us to keep focused on you and on the "better" things in life, the more fulfilling things. Unfortunately, though, I find that I'm not really spending all that much time talking to you, or listening to you. I do write on this blog from time to time, but I'm not really sure that this qualifies as actual prayer, a time of communion with you. Sometimes I think that this is just me rambling. Sometimes I think that this is less about talking to and with you and more about just talking (or writing, as the case is).
Other times I think that this is a very important form of prayer, a prayer that helps me to clarify thoughts and feelings, a prayer that helps me to let you know how I feel and what's up with my life. It's my best way of expressing myself, and it wouldn't be a lot different for me to sit down in a quiet place and talk to you, either out loud or in my mind.
But if these "prayers" of mine are important, am I really covering the things that will help me to live a more fulfilling life? Am I really bringing to you the issues that I should bring to you? I haven't been talking here about the frustrations I've been going through the last four years. I haven't been talking about the difficulties in relationships because I know that here online, other people can see them and misinterpret them. And if I'm neglecting things like those here, and I'm not covering those things in a different form of prayer, then just when can I bring those things up with you? And how?
Sometimes I feel that prayer is a bit futile, since there's this conception that you know everything anyway. But that's a thought that doesn't sit well with me--why would you want to know everything about everyone. Perhaps you're like a computer in that respect--the information's there, but only if you want or need to access it. Otherwise, it's just out there until someone else brings it to you.
I don't know. I know that many people pray to try to get their own way, to try to gain control over others. Many people pray for material goods. Others pray for forgiveness, even over things for which they don't really need to be forgiven. I pray to clarify--but I'm not sure that can be considered communicating with you. And isn't that how I communicate with everyone these days--just to get or to share information? I'm not sure what prayer should be, but I never leave it with a feeling of having been comforted--I always leave it with a feeling of "that's something I need to work on."
A reply:
Your last two sentences finally get to the gist of the matter with you. Prayer is communion with me, in whatever form you find the most helpful. And yes, this does count, writing in this blog. But you're dealing with a frustration that you haven't been able to conquer in your life--not being able to connect with other people. You try very hard to connect, but since you still haven't been able to overcome most of your fears (the ones that have been with you since you grew up with an alcoholic father), most of your communication takes the paths determined by your fears, not by your love.
And yes, that includes your communication with me. Because you started out life letting your fear determine how you communicated, you faced much, much rejection, and all of that rejection served to reinforce your fears and drive them more deeply into your being. And that's where you come from most of the time--from a place determined by your fear. Even when you talk to me. Heck, especially when you talk to me.
When you ask me for things like financial stability, behind every request is the fear that what you ask for won't be granted--and in your case, you view that fear as a surety. What you ask me for won't be granted. You're sure of that. Yet you ask anyway, even though you see no hope of actually getting what you ask for. And because you see no hope, you act as if the financial stability you seek (for example) won't be coming no matter what you do. But it is out there for you to achieve. You just have to believe that it is achievable.
Now this goes against the grain for you, because you don't like to be blamed for things. That's typical of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. But remember that I am not blaming you for anything. This is just the way things are. And in order for things to become different, then the way you act must change. The things that you do must change. If you want financial stability, then your relationship with money--the ways that you earn it and spend it and use it--must change. And so far, they have changed. You're in the process of making your way toward the stability you seek, but it is a path that you need to follow to the end. Yes, there are some shortcuts and some other paths that can offer you insights and income and other things that may help you, but in the end, you must walk the path. You're on it. Trust the path. Trust me.
And if you're feeling this dissatisfaction with prayer, listen to the discomfort, and learn from it. Find ways to make prayer a more central focus in your life. You won't regret it. Your dissatisfaction is your spirit talking to you. Your spirit has been patient up until now, but if it's speaking up, that means that your spirit sees that patience is no longer the most effective way of dealing with you.
I started thinking last night about prayer, and about just how little I actually do pray. I do believe that living our lives as fully as we can is a form of prayer, but I also believe that a strong prayer life can help us to keep focused on you and on the "better" things in life, the more fulfilling things. Unfortunately, though, I find that I'm not really spending all that much time talking to you, or listening to you. I do write on this blog from time to time, but I'm not really sure that this qualifies as actual prayer, a time of communion with you. Sometimes I think that this is just me rambling. Sometimes I think that this is less about talking to and with you and more about just talking (or writing, as the case is).
Other times I think that this is a very important form of prayer, a prayer that helps me to clarify thoughts and feelings, a prayer that helps me to let you know how I feel and what's up with my life. It's my best way of expressing myself, and it wouldn't be a lot different for me to sit down in a quiet place and talk to you, either out loud or in my mind.
But if these "prayers" of mine are important, am I really covering the things that will help me to live a more fulfilling life? Am I really bringing to you the issues that I should bring to you? I haven't been talking here about the frustrations I've been going through the last four years. I haven't been talking about the difficulties in relationships because I know that here online, other people can see them and misinterpret them. And if I'm neglecting things like those here, and I'm not covering those things in a different form of prayer, then just when can I bring those things up with you? And how?
Sometimes I feel that prayer is a bit futile, since there's this conception that you know everything anyway. But that's a thought that doesn't sit well with me--why would you want to know everything about everyone. Perhaps you're like a computer in that respect--the information's there, but only if you want or need to access it. Otherwise, it's just out there until someone else brings it to you.
I don't know. I know that many people pray to try to get their own way, to try to gain control over others. Many people pray for material goods. Others pray for forgiveness, even over things for which they don't really need to be forgiven. I pray to clarify--but I'm not sure that can be considered communicating with you. And isn't that how I communicate with everyone these days--just to get or to share information? I'm not sure what prayer should be, but I never leave it with a feeling of having been comforted--I always leave it with a feeling of "that's something I need to work on."
A reply:
Your last two sentences finally get to the gist of the matter with you. Prayer is communion with me, in whatever form you find the most helpful. And yes, this does count, writing in this blog. But you're dealing with a frustration that you haven't been able to conquer in your life--not being able to connect with other people. You try very hard to connect, but since you still haven't been able to overcome most of your fears (the ones that have been with you since you grew up with an alcoholic father), most of your communication takes the paths determined by your fears, not by your love.
And yes, that includes your communication with me. Because you started out life letting your fear determine how you communicated, you faced much, much rejection, and all of that rejection served to reinforce your fears and drive them more deeply into your being. And that's where you come from most of the time--from a place determined by your fear. Even when you talk to me. Heck, especially when you talk to me.
When you ask me for things like financial stability, behind every request is the fear that what you ask for won't be granted--and in your case, you view that fear as a surety. What you ask me for won't be granted. You're sure of that. Yet you ask anyway, even though you see no hope of actually getting what you ask for. And because you see no hope, you act as if the financial stability you seek (for example) won't be coming no matter what you do. But it is out there for you to achieve. You just have to believe that it is achievable.
Now this goes against the grain for you, because you don't like to be blamed for things. That's typical of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. But remember that I am not blaming you for anything. This is just the way things are. And in order for things to become different, then the way you act must change. The things that you do must change. If you want financial stability, then your relationship with money--the ways that you earn it and spend it and use it--must change. And so far, they have changed. You're in the process of making your way toward the stability you seek, but it is a path that you need to follow to the end. Yes, there are some shortcuts and some other paths that can offer you insights and income and other things that may help you, but in the end, you must walk the path. You're on it. Trust the path. Trust me.
And if you're feeling this dissatisfaction with prayer, listen to the discomfort, and learn from it. Find ways to make prayer a more central focus in your life. You won't regret it. Your dissatisfaction is your spirit talking to you. Your spirit has been patient up until now, but if it's speaking up, that means that your spirit sees that patience is no longer the most effective way of dealing with you.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Hi
Good day, God--and thank you for another set of hours to live through, a new set of experiences to have, and a new day full of opportunities to do good for others. I thank you for this new day and all that it brings, and I ask you to be with me today so that my actions and words will be uplifting and encouraging. If you're with me, I know that I'll be able to stay more focused on doing what needs to be done and saying what needs to be said, rather than relying solely on my own judgment. Which is good, I know, because it's a gift from you, but which often gets hijacked by the ego in an effort to make myself feel better or feel like I have some control.
A reply:
Good morning to you, too--and thanks for saying Good Day to me. You would be amazed at how many people simply never do so. I will be with you all day, as I am every day, in all situations. You are right--if you stay focused on me being there with you, your actions do change. It's kind of like the way one speaks when one is with one's mother versus how one speaks when mom isn't around. This is one of the reasons that we have mothers and fathers; or at least, that was the original intention. The way things are today, this is a principle that is fading.
You have the right idea to try to keep your judgment and your ego separated--good job on that! And good luck with it; I'm sure you'll do fine, especially since you are aware of the issue.
I wish you a glorious day, and I wish you all the best with your students today!
A reply:
Good morning to you, too--and thanks for saying Good Day to me. You would be amazed at how many people simply never do so. I will be with you all day, as I am every day, in all situations. You are right--if you stay focused on me being there with you, your actions do change. It's kind of like the way one speaks when one is with one's mother versus how one speaks when mom isn't around. This is one of the reasons that we have mothers and fathers; or at least, that was the original intention. The way things are today, this is a principle that is fading.
You have the right idea to try to keep your judgment and your ego separated--good job on that! And good luck with it; I'm sure you'll do fine, especially since you are aware of the issue.
I wish you a glorious day, and I wish you all the best with your students today!
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