Prayer

Good morning, God, and thank you for this new day in my life.  I have more opportunities to learn and to grow today, and I really do appreciate them.

I started thinking last night about prayer, and about just how little I actually do pray.  I do believe that living our lives as fully as we can is a form of prayer, but I also believe that a strong prayer life can help us to keep focused on you and on the "better" things in life, the more fulfilling things.  Unfortunately, though, I find that I'm not really spending all that much time talking to you, or listening to you.  I do write on this blog from time to time, but I'm not really sure that this qualifies as actual prayer, a time of communion with you.  Sometimes I think that this is just me rambling.  Sometimes I think that this is less about talking to and with you and more about just talking (or writing, as the case is).

Other times I think that this is a very important form of prayer, a prayer that helps me to clarify thoughts and feelings, a prayer that helps me to let you know how I feel and what's up with my life.  It's my best way of expressing myself, and it wouldn't be a lot different for me to sit down in a quiet place and talk to you, either out loud or in my mind.

But if these "prayers" of mine are important, am I really covering the things that will help me to live a more fulfilling life?  Am I really bringing to you the issues that I should bring to you?  I haven't been talking here about the frustrations I've been going through the last four years.  I haven't been talking about the difficulties in relationships because I know that here online, other people can see them and misinterpret them.  And if I'm neglecting things like those here, and I'm not covering those things in a different form of prayer, then just when can I bring those things up with you?  And how?

Sometimes I feel that prayer is a bit futile, since there's this conception that you know everything anyway.  But that's a thought that doesn't sit well with me--why would you want to know everything about everyone.  Perhaps you're like a computer in that respect--the information's there, but only if you want or need to access it.  Otherwise, it's just out there until someone else brings it to you.

I don't know.  I know that many people pray to try to get their own way, to try to gain control over others.  Many people pray for material goods.  Others pray for forgiveness, even over things for which they don't really need to be forgiven.  I pray to clarify--but I'm not sure that can be considered communicating with you.  And isn't that how I communicate with everyone these days--just to get or to share information?  I'm not sure what prayer should be, but I never leave it with a feeling of having been comforted--I always leave it with a feeling of "that's something I need to work on."

A reply:

Your last two sentences finally get to the gist of the matter with you.  Prayer is communion with me, in whatever form you find the most helpful.  And yes, this does count, writing in this blog.  But you're dealing with a frustration that you haven't been able to conquer in your life--not being able to connect with other people.  You try very hard to connect, but since you still haven't been able to overcome most of your fears (the ones that have been with you since you grew up with an alcoholic father), most of your communication takes the paths determined by your fears, not by your love.

And yes, that includes your communication with me.  Because you started out life letting your fear determine how you communicated, you faced much, much rejection, and all of that rejection served to reinforce your fears and drive them more deeply into your being.  And that's where you come from most of the time--from a place determined by your fear.  Even when you talk to me.  Heck, especially when you talk to me.

When you ask me for things like financial stability, behind every request is the fear that what you ask for won't be granted--and in your case, you view that fear as a surety.  What you ask me for won't be granted.  You're sure of that.  Yet you ask anyway, even though you see no hope of actually getting what you ask for.  And because you see no hope, you act as if the financial stability you seek (for example) won't be coming no matter what you do.  But it is out there for you to achieve.  You just have to believe that it is achievable.

Now this goes against the grain for you, because you don't like to be blamed for things.  That's typical of an Adult Child of an Alcoholic.  But remember that I am not blaming you for anything.  This is just the way things are.  And in order for things to become different, then the way you act must change.  The things that you do must change.  If you want financial stability, then your relationship with money--the ways that you earn it and spend it and use it--must change.  And so far, they have changed.  You're in the process of making your way toward the stability you seek, but it is a path that you need to follow to the end.  Yes, there are some shortcuts and some other paths that can offer you insights and income and other things that may help you, but in the end, you must walk the path.  You're on it.  Trust the path.  Trust me.

And if you're feeling this dissatisfaction with prayer, listen to the discomfort, and learn from it.  Find ways to make prayer a more central focus in your life.  You won't regret it.  Your dissatisfaction is your spirit talking to you.  Your spirit has been patient up until now, but if it's speaking up, that means that your spirit sees that patience is no longer the most effective way of dealing with you.