Belonging

Okay, so you mentioned that I should talk about belonging, so here it is.  It's an extremely difficult topic for me to address, because when all is said and done, I don't think that I've ever felt that I belong anywhere.  From childhood on, I've felt like an outsider, wherever I've been, whatever I've been doing.  And because of the lack of a feeling of belonging, I don't think I've ever learned what it means to act as if I belong somewhere.  I don't know what it means to trust that others see me as a part of any type of group.  I don't have any experience in feeling comfortable in any situation, really.

And the most ironic thing for me is that the lack of a feeling of belonging tends to lead to certain types of friction that keep me from feeling that I belong--a type of never-ending circle, if you will; a sort of self-fulfilling prophecy.  I've learned in life not to let myself feel comfortable in any situation involving groups, so I feel as if I'm doomed to stay at the edge of groups, always looking in from the outside, never being a true part of them.  To others, this probably looks like aloofness, or arrogance; to me, it feels like fear and worry.  What will happen if I do feel comfortable in a group?  Will I then be rejected and cast out, and then have to deal with that sort of pain instead of the pain that I feel from not feeling a part of things?

I do know that this is a very painful feeling--there are no two ways around that.  I am happy with my life as it is, but I recognize in it what I feel sometimes to be an incompleteness, a type of emptiness that I'm not sure how to handle or how to eliminate.  Perhaps I'm not supposed to feel that I'm a part of things.  Perhaps my lot in life is to live on the periphery, always looking in at others who are living as a part of the whole while I struggle to make myself feel connected to anything at all.  I do miss connection, partly because I've never really felt it at all when it comes to the world as a whole, and partly because I do want it.

Am I supposed to fill that hole with you?  That's what a lot of the fundamentalist Christians say, but they never say how.  Am I supposed to pray when I have a long history of unanswered prayers?  Am I supposed to give up hope and just focus on the other things in life that I enjoy and that I do well at?  There are so many questions, and so few answers, it seems.

A reply:

These are difficult topics.  And just to be clear, there are several different topics here, all of which are very valid, and all of which are very important, both to you and to me.  I think that one of the most important things to keep in mind is something that you make very clear yourself--there's a difference between belonging and a feeling of belonging.  You definitely belong, in any group, in any situation.  All of the people of this planet belong, though not all of them feel that they do.

Of course, it's not that simple.  You would not feel comfortable in a group of people who are racists and who want to harm people of a certain race.  You would not "belong" in that group in one sense, the sense that uses racism as its deciding factor as to whether or not you feel that you're a "part" of the group.  In another way, though, since all of the people in that group are human beings who feel and who hurt and who laugh and cry and who also want to "belong," then you are a part of that group.  But it's a group that you would (and probably should) choose to avoid.

If you have problems at work, it could be that your lack of a sense of belonging is affecting you there.  On the other hand, it could be something else.  Perhaps your work is not fulfilling, and you're hoping for a way out that doesn't force you to make a decision to leave.  Perhaps the people there aren't the kind of people with whom you feel that it's positive to hang around with.  And perhaps, also, it is your fear--your lack of feeling of belonging--sabotaging you and keeping you from making the contacts that humans so strongly long for.

You were created as social beings, for the most part.  Community is in your genes and in your hearts.  One of the things you need to do, though, as human beings, is to define community for yourselves.  For some people, community means a very small circle of friends; for others, that circle is extremely expansive.  In your case, you don't feel that there's any community of which you are a significant part, and that can be painful.  You've moved all of your life.  You've changed homes over and over again, in the process changing the people you know and work with.  That causes many difficulties that other people simply don't face, the most obvious one being a lack of deep relationships.  In your family, there are no deep relationships.  So where can you "belong"?  And how?

Now here's the hard part:  I want you to rest assured that you do belong.  Believe that you do belong, and act as if you do belong, and you will start belonging.  That will mean speaking up those times when you feel like shutting down and staying quiet.  That will mean volunteering when you want to rest and relax.  That will mean committing yourself to things that may be a bit uncomfortable, that may cause you to spend time with other people so they can get to know you a bit better.  If they do think that you're arrogant and aloof--no matter how wrong their impression--the only way to get them to change their perspective is to help them to learn that the judgment they have of you is wrong.

It won't be easy.  You do have the strength to try, and you do have me here behind you.  You have others behind you, too, even if you don't feel their presence and their support.  Try this, and remember that you have to act as if you belong if you are to belong.  And you have to act that way even if it goes against your feelings of not belonging.