Several possible directions

Hello, God--and today I say "good afternoon" instead of "good morning."  I don't usually write anything here in the afternoons, but here I am.  Life's been getting more than a bit strange, more than a bit complicated, and I'm not sure that I'm handling it too well.  I've spent the last week being sick, which usually is a result just as much from stress as from any bug or virus that I've encountered.  And it's very true--I'm very stressed these days, and there really isn't any indication that there's any sort of financial change in my future that will relieve me of the stress.  We're in a very precarious situation, and I have no idea how I should approach it or try to deal with it.  I'm simply unprepared for this sort of thing.

I know in my heart that my faith should be strong enough to keep me from stressing out about possibly running out of money.  It's never happened in the past, and it shouldn't happen now.  But I've made so many efforts to have a positive effect on our finances that I'm finding it hard to believe that anything I do is going to succeed.  I have some tiny bit of success, but no real true success.  In fact, we're now going to have to use the last of my retirement money (which isn't much to begin with) just to make it through this winter, it appears.  And things are happening all at once--car problems, annual insurance payments, etc.--so it's not simply a question of a few bills that we need to take care of.

I suppose that the most important question of all is where I should go from here.  I know what many people say about following our passion and doing the things that we love to do, but I've been trying that for a while, to no avail.  On the other hand, I don't see how getting an extra low-paying job is going to make much of a difference, other than turning me into a miserable person who doesn't have time to spend with his wife or on things that I love doing.  I might get paychecks, but I most certainly wouldn't be living my life fully and richly.  Is this latter idea just a pipe dream, or is it something I should be expecting out of life?  Could it be that my own fears and attitudes are keeping me in financial straits?  Somehow, I'm not sure that I see the value in blaming myself for thoughts and ideas that have been ingrained in me by others for so many years.

So I give it to you.  Yours is now the financial situation, and yours are also the choices that I'll be needing to make about my future.  Are there opportunities out there for me?  Or am I doomed to constantly worry about money, never quite having enough no matter how much or how hard I work?

A reply:

We've talked about this before.  But I understand that after many years of building certain beliefs and expectations, it's not really possible to simply change them on demand, even if you hear something from me.  All I can tell you is that I want you to thrive, not to suffer; I want you to enjoy life, not to fear it.  And you should be able to thrive in any situation, as long as your basic needs are being met--and so far, they are.  What's happening is that you're worrying about what will happen "when the money runs out"--you're worrying about a future that you don't know is coming.  The first thing for you to do is to focus on the present, know that all of your needs are being met right now, and be grateful for and happy about that.  When you're able to do that, we can talk more.  I don't want to go into too much detail now because I think that you really should focus on this particular "assignment," if you will.

Good morning

Good morning, God!  A new day is here, and I have a lot to do on this day.  I'm grateful for that fact, for I've had days when I haven't really had many opportunities to accomplish things, and those days were very difficult.  So though I'll be very busy today, I'm thankful for the chance to be busy.  And I know I won't be busy for the next two days, so the busyness today isn't going to keep me from enjoying the autumn days that I've been given.

So thank you!


A reply:

You're welcome.  Just keep your eyes and heart open for all the opportunities that you have to share the love inside you, and your day will be marvelous.

When It Rains

Hello, God--

Today is here, and I have a whole day ahead of me now, a day that I can make the most of, or a day that I can squander.  I thank you for this day and the opportunities that it brings to me, and I sincerely hope that I can make the most of them.

Of course, today also means a trip to the dentist.  That's a mixed bag, there, for it's very positive--the dentist is going to fix a problem that I have with a tooth--and very negative--it's going to cost a lot more than we really have to spare right now.  In fact, it's one more thing piled up on top of many more things that are making our financial lives quite difficult right now.  Car issues, fewer hours at work, the loss of a steady source of income, annual bills coming due--all these things are adding up to a huge problem these days, and it's getting almost impossible to see any light at the end of the tunnel.  I know that we're not unique in this way--millions of people are having problems making ends meet these days--but it does get quite frustrating and demoralizing.  One of the most difficult parts of it all is knowing that we work hard, and we do good jobs in all that we do--much better than average jobs, yet there isn't any corresponding return on the great amount of effort that we give.

What are we supposed to do when we watch our bank accounts draining, when we look to the future three months from now and realize that there isn't going to be anything left at the end of a month?  What do we do when we work very hard and well, only to be paid less than many other people who do much less work?  How do we deal with it when we're trying so hard to reach a level of stability with our finances, only to see another $500 go away to get a car fixed?

I'm not at that point, but I can certainly understand how people can turn away from God and religion when such difficulties arise in their lives.  How are we supposed to maintain faith when we're promised over and over that God will take care of us, yet we can never get ahead and we can never find financial security?  How can we be living our lives fully and getting the most out of life when there are worries about money on our minds almost all the time?  It simply doesn't make sense.

A reply:

I can certainly see your logic about faith.  I want you to know first and foremost that it is not in my plans to have anyone suffer from worry or from poverty.  It does happen, and it happens far more than I would like to see.  It is not my desire to see anyone feel hopelessness and frustration, except that they function as catalysts to cause people to move on to better things in life and even better lives.  There are no true paradigm shifts in any areas without a sense of crisis to bring them about--and some people need greater crises to cause them to make changes that will improve their situations.  It is not in my plan to see you suffer from worry, but is it possible that the negative feelings you have that result from worry may provoke actions on your part that will make such worry negligible or even non-existent in your life?

And those changes need not be major changes--they may end up being changes in attitude, changes in perspective, changes in acceptance.  Or changes in trust.

One thing that does concern me constantly is the fact that so many people would look at your situation--or the situations of so many others that are similar--and say that it's your fault.  From a worldly perspective, they would say it's your fault because you have the wrong jobs, because you haven't saved enough, because you've squandered money on other things.

From a spiritual perspective, they would say it's your fault because your faith isn't strong enough, because you're not "right" with me, because you need the lessons that money problems and worry will provide you with.

I will say very clearly:  it is not your fault.  Yes, some people do squander large amounts of money and end up suffering financially because of it.  That is not the case here--I know it and you know it.  That is not the case for millions of people who have similar situations and worries.  It's important that you know that you're not facing these problems because you bought a pair of shoes last month instead of leaving that money in the bank.  It's not happening because you ate out three times last month.  It's simply happening.

And it's hard for me to say "have faith in me" when you have had faith in me up until now, and you're still facing these problems.  In all fairness, why would you believe me when I say "have faith"?

One thing that every problem needs is time.  They're rarely solved quickly and neatly.  Over time, you'll watch things fall together in ways that you couldn't predict, and you'll see your problems diminish, slowly and surely.  You'll learn ways to cope with what's happening, and you'll develop strategies for compensating for the issues.  I will help you through that process.  I'll help you to open your eyes to solutions and strategies, and I'll help you to deal with your worries effectively instead of letting them overwhelm you.  I will do all that I can to give you peace of mind and peace of heart, for when you're facing life from a peaceful place, it's easier to see what's needed.

I would love to say "Give your problem to me and I'll solve it immediately."  Life, though, has never worked that way.  It isn't designed to work that way.  It's hard to hear "Hang in there and keep at it, but don't worry," but that's essentially what I'm saying--with the offer to take your worry over myself.  Give your situation to me and give your worry to me, and I will work with you to bring a resolution to them both.

Fears Are Back

Good morning, God.  Thanks much for this new day and the new opportunities that it brings to live, to love, to appreciate, and to cherish.  These new days are very important to me, and I'm grateful for them.

I'm going through quite a lot these days, especially concerning work.  My hours have been cut dramatically at one job, and I'm experiencing a lot of fears of authority figures that I haven't experienced in many, many years.  It's the old fear of judgment coming back, the fear that I'm going to be told that I'm doing something wrong or bad and that I'm not going to have the chance to defend myself, or that if I do have that chance, I'm not going to be believed.

I know where this fear comes from of course, but that doesn't help me when it comes in the middle of the night and keeps me up.  And it also doesn't help me to come to terms with it--why, after all these years, is this fear re-emerging?  Why am I having to deal with it at my age?  It's something that should have been relegated to obscurity years ago; instead, I'm finding myself dealing with issues that I've dealt with for years and years--and for no real reason.  The fears are unfounded.  They make no sense.

Add to that the financial fears, and you have a very interesting set of circumstances.  Terry and I just committed to going on a cruise next May, which means that we'll have to spend a lot of money AND that I'll have to take six weeks off from teaching in order to be able to go.  In order to be able to do both of those things, we're going to need to actually have money.  I took the extra job in order to be able to have extra money, yet now it looks like the extra job will be simply compensating for the lost hours.

My two greatest fears, back to haunt me in significant ways.  Why?  What can I do about them?  I feel that the only thing I can do for the first one is to be absolutely perfect in the class or on the job, and there's no way I can be that, of course.  And for the second one, I feel that I'll have to work many extra hours at extra jobs just to have money coming in--is that the case?  I do have other options for income, but they, of course, haven't panned out nearly as well as they could have.  So what do I do here?  How do I deal with these fears?  Is this a question of a lack of faith, or is there something else to it?

A response:

First of all, let me say that this is not about a lack of faith.  "Religious" leaders will often tell you that fears are a result of a lack of faith, but that's not necessarily true.  It hurts me to see so many people turn away from me because they think that they're being "punished" for a lack of faith--their prayers aren't answered, for example, because their faith isn't strong enough--and I wish that people would stop trying to judge the quality of each other's faith.  Your faith is what it is, and given the circumstances under which you grew up, I'm actually a bit surprised that it's as strong as it is.  And I appreciate the fact that you try to keep it childlike and sincere--simple and strong.

You know where your fears come from, and that's a very good start.  When you know their source, at least you can recognize them for what they are--fears, and not reality.  I'm not big on pop culture, but I do like the acronym "False Evidence Appearing Real'; it gives a good idea of what fear is all about.  How do you deal with it, though?  How do you, in your daily life today and tomorrow, put those fears aside and go on with your life in productive and positive ways instead of worrying and wondering?  Isn't that the essential question that everyone must face?  Fears in themselves aren't nearly as destructive as the lack of focus that one experiences when dealing with fears in addition to dealing with all the other things that life throws at you.

I could assure you that everything will be okay, yet if you really can't find a reason to believe that, then my words will fall on rock and not have the chance to grow.  Because let's face it:  if you're not able to take that cruise (and I know that it's your first real vacation in many years), and you still have enough money to buy food and rent shelter with, things are still okay, aren't they?  Your dreams of a vacation have been dashed and you'll be dealing with a very high level of disappointment, but things will still be okay, technically.  But are dashed dreams really okay, especially when they're rather modest dreams that are very realistic and completely understandable?

Your fear of authority and judgment is very real, and it results from your childhood.  It's very common in people who had an alcoholic parent or two in their childhoods.  And this fear triggers a defense mechanism that can be very uncomfortable to deal with--and even very painful in many ways.  I would say that the best way to deal with it is to get to know the authority figures in your life right now--interact with them and learn about them.  They will do things that you don't understand, for they're dealing with a lot of fears themselves.  Their fears will even make them do things that are completely wrong.  But the more you know about them, the better will be your position when things do seem to be going wrong; the more you'll understand what's going on.

Now, some of these people make themselves inaccessible--physically or elsewise--so getting to know them isn't that easy.  In that case, it may make you feel better to write things down.  Write down things that happen so that you're very clear in your mind how things were.  Writing things down, as you know, helps us to clarify thoughts and helps us to see where we might have done something "better" or differently.

This may also help with your money/job issues.  Write down what you need, and write down what you know you have now and what you will have.  Find out what the disparity is.  Then you can brainstorm ways to come up with the shortfall.

And pray.  Pray for guidance and pray for help.  I know that you won't pray for the money in the form of a windfall, but you might even consider that.

Don't play the lottery.  Don't gamble.  Both of those systems are designed to take money, not pay it out.

And try to relax, try to enjoy, and give your best to all you do.  I know you try to do that already, but keep that up.  You can deal with obstacles much better from a place of peace and balance than you can from a place of stress and fear.  Pray for that peace of mind.

A Bit of a Rest

Good morning, God, and thank you for this new day and my chance to live it.  It's the first day of rest after six weeks of a really overwhelming schedule, during which I had to neglect many things, including these "chats" with you.  It was a schedule that was kind of forced upon me, and one that I never would have chosen to have.  I prefer to have a more moderate schedule, one with a balance between work and rest and other activities that are often more fulfilling than work.

The rest time now will be much appreciated.  It always takes me several days to unwind after long periods of being overworked, and today is the first day of trying to unwind.  I'm grateful that I got through the time relatively unscathed, though now I'm going to face the task of catching up with those things that have been neglected.  That promises to keep me rather busy over the next couple of weeks, though it's not as difficult a kind of busy for me.

I often wonder about the busy times--I don't like them at all because they put me out of balance, but I do know that they make me appreciate the "normal" times much more.  During the busy times I miss being able to relax, being able to carve out moments of peace in my day.  I miss leaving work behind and going for a nice long walk or run.  The busy times can make a day seem to be more of an ordeal than a gift, and I simply don't like that.  Perhaps they happen to make me appreciate the less busy times more; perhaps they happen to help me to be able to deal with being busy more effectively.  I don't know.

In any case, I'm grateful that now I have a few days of respite to look forward to, a few days of living more slowly and less intensely (I like living intensely, by the way--just not so much when the intensity is because of work).  I look forward to waking up in the morning and knowing that I can use the day as I wish, for the most part.  Thanks for this new day, and thanks for the flexibility it brings!

A reply:

You're very welcome.  As you go through this new day, perhaps you could ponder something about these last six weeks:  maybe they just happened, without any real lesson to bring to you.  Perhaps any lesson that has come to you through the busyness has come from you, too.  After all, you weren't the only person on this schedule, and it would be rather silly to think that everyone who went through this period being as busy as you has received the same lesson.

Life is life.  It's an amazing process and experience, and it does tend to bring people what they need when they need it--or people find what they need in whatever comes.  Will you now find something useful in this time of rest?  Perhaps you'll find new ways of reflecting.  Maybe you'll find the time to start another novel.  Whatever comes of this positive time, you will find ways to make it happen.  Whatever came of your time of unbalance, you found ways to learn the lessons, to understand the points, to comprehend the need to interact with life and living.

Your gratitude is important.  And you know that you're thankful for some of the other elements of the busy time, too--earning more money, getting to work with more people, being able to help more people, and so on.  It's also important that you recognize and understand the lack of balance--many people suffer in life because they never see that they're unbalanced, and thus they never understand that many of their fears and pains are caused by not leading a balanced life.  And when you come through a time of little or no balance, it's very important that you seek out a balance as soon as you can.

Remember also, though, that this is the second time this summer that you've been out of balance.  The first time was when you were finishing your novel, and your unbalance was just as severe as it was now.  The only difference is that you chose to unbalance yourself and your life the first time, so it made more sense to you, as you were accomplishing a personal goal.  The second time was thrust upon you, so it was much more unpleasant.  Unbalance happens in many ways.  Sometimes it's a choice, and sometimes it's not.  Either way, the good thing is that you have learned from it--twice.

Enjoy the restful time.

For a Time

Good morning, God, and thanks for another day in my life.  I don't know how many mornings I have to wake up to, but I'm certainly going to try to enjoy them and appreciate them while I have them.  I thank you for this new set of opportunities to contribute to life in my own ways, and I hope that I live up to my potential as I try to do so.

Sometimes it's hard to see whether or not we're actually contributing.  There are times when I feel like I'm really giving nothing at all, while there are other times when I feel that I'm actually giving in positive ways to others.  I know that all that we can do is our best, and then trust that it's enough, but there are times when I question even that theory.  And the other thing I question is whether I'm even giving my best--or if what I'm giving is simply a substitute for my best, kind of an effort that necessarily falls short.

Either way, I keep on keeping on, and I keep trying.  And I hope that what I'm doing is enough--and that if it isn't, I'll be redirected somehow onto paths that will allow me to give enough.

A reply:

There are very few human beings who haven't felt the doubts that you're experiencing.  This is especially true in the society in which you live, in which achievement is the dominant criterion for judgment.  A contribution, though, is a contribution.  It's something that you give freely, and there really isn't any sort of scale to follow that will define "enough" or "not enough."  There's also no scale for "best" or "not best."  When you give, you give, and that's enough.  And as human beings, there are limits as to what you can give, based on things like mood, strength levels, condition of your spirit, the support that you feel you have, and many more.  One of the signs of growth among human beings is to be able to be comfortable with what you give, and not worry about whether it's "enough."  When you can, give more.  And when you need to, take a rest from giving, and even take.  There must be a balance in life, and if nobody takes, then who can give?

You are contributing.  In small ways and in larger.  Much of your contribution will remain unknown to you, as the recipients move away from you in the ways that people tend to move apart.  Just know that when you give, you are contributing.  Just be careful that there aren't conditions attached to your giving, for then you're no longer giving--then you're bartering.  And while there can be many positive sides to bartering, it most definitely is not the same as giving.

One of the more difficult elements of giving comes along when our giving isn't recognized by others, when there are no thanks offered for it, when no appreciation is shown for it.  This is where letting go comes in.  Another sign of growth among human beings is when you've let go of your need to hear or receive acknowledgement for what you've given.

When you give, you contribute to the world.  Period.  And the ripples start to emanate from your giving, and they really do reach out into the world as a whole.  Trust that fact, and your giving will take on a new dimension, and your doubts will fade.  Perhaps they won't fade away completely, but they will diminish, and they won't haunt you so much.

Good morning, God

When I looked at the date of my last entry, God, I was quite surprised.  It doesn't seem like it's been that long.  I really just wanted to say good morning and thank you for all that I have today--my home, my work, the people with whom I have contact, the beauty all around me, the hobbies that I have that I enjoy doing.  My life really is rather full and fulfilling, and it's important that I constantly keep that in mind and appreciate it.  I do know that I have many gifts, and I don't want to take them for granted.  So thank you for the sun and the rain, for the flowers and the concrete, for the smiles and the frowns, for the uphills as well as the downhills, and for the many opportunities that I have to grow and mature and become more than I am today.

A reply:

You're welcome.  And thank you for enjoying and appreciating--you're one of a relatively few people who do that.  Keep it up!