Fears Are Back

Good morning, God.  Thanks much for this new day and the new opportunities that it brings to live, to love, to appreciate, and to cherish.  These new days are very important to me, and I'm grateful for them.

I'm going through quite a lot these days, especially concerning work.  My hours have been cut dramatically at one job, and I'm experiencing a lot of fears of authority figures that I haven't experienced in many, many years.  It's the old fear of judgment coming back, the fear that I'm going to be told that I'm doing something wrong or bad and that I'm not going to have the chance to defend myself, or that if I do have that chance, I'm not going to be believed.

I know where this fear comes from of course, but that doesn't help me when it comes in the middle of the night and keeps me up.  And it also doesn't help me to come to terms with it--why, after all these years, is this fear re-emerging?  Why am I having to deal with it at my age?  It's something that should have been relegated to obscurity years ago; instead, I'm finding myself dealing with issues that I've dealt with for years and years--and for no real reason.  The fears are unfounded.  They make no sense.

Add to that the financial fears, and you have a very interesting set of circumstances.  Terry and I just committed to going on a cruise next May, which means that we'll have to spend a lot of money AND that I'll have to take six weeks off from teaching in order to be able to go.  In order to be able to do both of those things, we're going to need to actually have money.  I took the extra job in order to be able to have extra money, yet now it looks like the extra job will be simply compensating for the lost hours.

My two greatest fears, back to haunt me in significant ways.  Why?  What can I do about them?  I feel that the only thing I can do for the first one is to be absolutely perfect in the class or on the job, and there's no way I can be that, of course.  And for the second one, I feel that I'll have to work many extra hours at extra jobs just to have money coming in--is that the case?  I do have other options for income, but they, of course, haven't panned out nearly as well as they could have.  So what do I do here?  How do I deal with these fears?  Is this a question of a lack of faith, or is there something else to it?

A response:

First of all, let me say that this is not about a lack of faith.  "Religious" leaders will often tell you that fears are a result of a lack of faith, but that's not necessarily true.  It hurts me to see so many people turn away from me because they think that they're being "punished" for a lack of faith--their prayers aren't answered, for example, because their faith isn't strong enough--and I wish that people would stop trying to judge the quality of each other's faith.  Your faith is what it is, and given the circumstances under which you grew up, I'm actually a bit surprised that it's as strong as it is.  And I appreciate the fact that you try to keep it childlike and sincere--simple and strong.

You know where your fears come from, and that's a very good start.  When you know their source, at least you can recognize them for what they are--fears, and not reality.  I'm not big on pop culture, but I do like the acronym "False Evidence Appearing Real'; it gives a good idea of what fear is all about.  How do you deal with it, though?  How do you, in your daily life today and tomorrow, put those fears aside and go on with your life in productive and positive ways instead of worrying and wondering?  Isn't that the essential question that everyone must face?  Fears in themselves aren't nearly as destructive as the lack of focus that one experiences when dealing with fears in addition to dealing with all the other things that life throws at you.

I could assure you that everything will be okay, yet if you really can't find a reason to believe that, then my words will fall on rock and not have the chance to grow.  Because let's face it:  if you're not able to take that cruise (and I know that it's your first real vacation in many years), and you still have enough money to buy food and rent shelter with, things are still okay, aren't they?  Your dreams of a vacation have been dashed and you'll be dealing with a very high level of disappointment, but things will still be okay, technically.  But are dashed dreams really okay, especially when they're rather modest dreams that are very realistic and completely understandable?

Your fear of authority and judgment is very real, and it results from your childhood.  It's very common in people who had an alcoholic parent or two in their childhoods.  And this fear triggers a defense mechanism that can be very uncomfortable to deal with--and even very painful in many ways.  I would say that the best way to deal with it is to get to know the authority figures in your life right now--interact with them and learn about them.  They will do things that you don't understand, for they're dealing with a lot of fears themselves.  Their fears will even make them do things that are completely wrong.  But the more you know about them, the better will be your position when things do seem to be going wrong; the more you'll understand what's going on.

Now, some of these people make themselves inaccessible--physically or elsewise--so getting to know them isn't that easy.  In that case, it may make you feel better to write things down.  Write down things that happen so that you're very clear in your mind how things were.  Writing things down, as you know, helps us to clarify thoughts and helps us to see where we might have done something "better" or differently.

This may also help with your money/job issues.  Write down what you need, and write down what you know you have now and what you will have.  Find out what the disparity is.  Then you can brainstorm ways to come up with the shortfall.

And pray.  Pray for guidance and pray for help.  I know that you won't pray for the money in the form of a windfall, but you might even consider that.

Don't play the lottery.  Don't gamble.  Both of those systems are designed to take money, not pay it out.

And try to relax, try to enjoy, and give your best to all you do.  I know you try to do that already, but keep that up.  You can deal with obstacles much better from a place of peace and balance than you can from a place of stress and fear.  Pray for that peace of mind.