And thank you for this new day and this new week in my life. I hope that I'm able to make the most of all the gifts that you've given me, and that I'm able to give to others in positive ways this week.
It's astonishing that it's almost February already. Time seems to be going faster and faster the older I get--will a year seem like a month if I ever hit 90?
I'm kind of perplexed about how I feel right now. I feel extremely vulnerable and not very confident. It's not a good feeling. I know that much of it has to do with having a class to teach with no materials--that makes me feel that the students aren't getting the continuity and coherence that they need to be studying a language, and I feel responsible for that. I know that it's not my responsibility at all, but the feeling is still there. It makes me hyper-sensitive to any criticisms or negative reactions, and I don't like that feeling, either. So the next few months are going to be challenging, I think. I don't even want to look at the evaluations from last semester because I feel so vulnerable right now, even though I don't believe that there's any reason to fear seeing them. It's crazy. I guess it's good in a way that I'm placed in a situation in which I'm learning more about the triggers for my fears and vulnerable feelings, but it's not easy to go through, especially with no one to talk to about it.
So here I am, sharing it with you.
A reply:
And I'm glad that you've done so. As you well know, though, even more important than talking about something like this is actually listening to the reply. And I'm glad that you do listen.
You are vulnerable. Everyone is. People who live from their hearts and spirits are even more vulnerable than those who try to live from their logic and brains. The paradox, of course, is that that vulnerability is the very thing that makes you stronger if you live from your heart and spirit. A threat to you may make things difficult, but you have your spirit to fall back on; you have your faith to carry you through the difficult situations. You also understand where people are coming from when they criticize you or try to knock you down--such actions are coming from who they are as people, and you know that.
Feeling your vulnerability isn't necessarily the problem--the problem comes if you allow that feeling to control your actions or words. It's completely normal to feel fear if you walk into a burning building, but sometimes it's necessary to do just that. It's normal to feel trepidation when you confront a loved one about a serious problem, but the problem still must be faced. You don't want to read the evaluations because the students may make some harsh criticisms based on their very limited perspectives, yet you've been teaching for many years and your evaluations have consistently been quite high. What is it about the possibility of harsh evaluations now that makes it more difficult? Your teaching hasn't changed much, but it is your first semester back at college after many years of secondary school--and thus your first semester of evaluations written by students in a very, very long time.
You are vulnerable. Everyone is. Perhaps everyone can use a constant reminder of just how vulnerable everyone else is around you. You feel fear and trepidation, but you're not showing it to the people around you. Other people feel those same fears, yet they're not showing them to you. Let it be for you an important lesson about the people in your life so that you might treat them with dignity and respect, even when their actions may reflect more their hidden fears than their true thoughts or feelings. Perhaps this feeling is a lesson in compassion.
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