I've been thinking more of the things I've been writing about recently, mostly about the fact that our financial situation has taken several huge hits and that I've been spending a lot of time worrying about what that means for our future. I'm not in a situation right now in which I can simply go out and get another job, given all of the time commitments that I have; I also don't have savings that I can access, due to other hits that we've taken in the recent past. We've tried to save regularly, but each time we build up a comfortable reserve, something completely out of our power to control comes up and snatches it away, it seems.
In some ways, it feels like we're being penalized--we're losing our savings because of someone else's actions, and we have no way of avoiding being hurt by that.
But be those feelings what they may be, today I'm more interested in talking about what's going on now--the worries that I'm feeling about next month, next week, even next year, due to my current job situation. I do recognize that I can't do anything about next month or next year, and that I have control only over what I do today. I also recognize that worrying won't help anything--it will just bring me down today. But those two pieces of knowledge don't necessarily keep me from worrying--they're true, but the worry has a life of its own.
In some ways, it feels like we're being penalized--we're losing our savings because of someone else's actions, and we have no way of avoiding being hurt by that.
But be those feelings what they may be, today I'm more interested in talking about what's going on now--the worries that I'm feeling about next month, next week, even next year, due to my current job situation. I do recognize that I can't do anything about next month or next year, and that I have control only over what I do today. I also recognize that worrying won't help anything--it will just bring me down today. But those two pieces of knowledge don't necessarily keep me from worrying--they're true, but the worry has a life of its own.
Which brings up the missing piece of the puzzle, I think. Trust. Trusting you. Trusting life. You know as well as anyone that I have trust issues due to my upbringing--deep trust issues that are very hard to overcome. It's hard for me to trust you or anyone else, and when things like this keep happening, that makes the trust all that much harder to come by.
If I could trust you fully, I wouldn't be worrying today. I wouldn't have any concerns about where the money's going to come from in the future. I wouldn't worry about not being able to afford the rent or the food. That is, of course, if I could trust you fully.
The frustrating part is that I know that I should trust you. Many, many people have done so, and you've come through for them. And I know in my mind that their trust is the thing that allowed you to come through. My lack of trust could be one reason for which so many things go wrong--simply because I don't give you a chance to lead my life in the directions that are the most productive and fulfilling. If there are setbacks now, those setbacks will contribute to a happier and fuller life for me--down the road. That doesn't have to happen here and now. Right now, we have a place to live, we have food to eat, we have work. I am grateful for that, but I mix that gratitude with worry that we won't have the same things tomorrow. And that's due to a lack of trust.
Sometimes I've thought about the question, "If I could have any one thing in the world. . ." I think that today, if I could have any one thing, it would be trust. Faith in you and in life. Faith that I can go about doing my best in all that I can do today without worrying about tomorrow, for I know that tomorrow will take care of itself.
Sometimes I've thought about the question, "If I could have any one thing in the world. . ." I think that today, if I could have any one thing, it would be trust. Faith in you and in life. Faith that I can go about doing my best in all that I can do today without worrying about tomorrow, for I know that tomorrow will take care of itself.
A reply:
And that's an incredibly important thing to desire. So many people don't live their todays fully and completely, for they spend their todays worrying about their tomorrows. And so many of those worries are justified. The important thing to remember, though, is that just because something is justified doesn't mean that it's the best thing for us. If your child steals a dollar, you're justified to show him no trust when you find out; but is showing your child no trust the best thing to do? Absolutely not.
You can trust me. You've seen it in the lives of others, you've read it in the many books that you've read--you've felt it in your heart. I am there for you today, I will be there for you tomorrow. I don't meddle in your day-to-day lives as a control freak or a micro-manager, but I do care for you, and I do care about your life and your state of mind. After all, I need people on the planet who are at peace and who share their love and caring with others--and how are you supposed to do that if you're constantly worried about just getting by?
Your current financial difficulties are also balanced by you having more free time, and I've been glad to see that you've been using that spare time to help others. The training that you're going through for your church simply wouldn't have been possible if you had had a full schedule--we both know that. Some other work that you've been doing wouldn't have been possible. And you've been very observant to see that just because you're making less money doesn't mean that you can't contribute in other ways. And you have been contributing. That's a great thing.
But you also have been worrying. That's a natural thing. Not exactly productive or helpful, but still quite natural. You do have financial obligations and responsibilities to meet. Though I wish I could, I cannot get into your mind and erase that worry. You've recognized the truth that in order to banish the worry, it's going to take an act on your part, an act of choice to trust that things will be okay, even if they seem not to be.
You can trust me. You've seen it in the lives of others, you've read it in the many books that you've read--you've felt it in your heart. I am there for you today, I will be there for you tomorrow. I don't meddle in your day-to-day lives as a control freak or a micro-manager, but I do care for you, and I do care about your life and your state of mind. After all, I need people on the planet who are at peace and who share their love and caring with others--and how are you supposed to do that if you're constantly worried about just getting by?
Your current financial difficulties are also balanced by you having more free time, and I've been glad to see that you've been using that spare time to help others. The training that you're going through for your church simply wouldn't have been possible if you had had a full schedule--we both know that. Some other work that you've been doing wouldn't have been possible. And you've been very observant to see that just because you're making less money doesn't mean that you can't contribute in other ways. And you have been contributing. That's a great thing.
But you also have been worrying. That's a natural thing. Not exactly productive or helpful, but still quite natural. You do have financial obligations and responsibilities to meet. Though I wish I could, I cannot get into your mind and erase that worry. You've recognized the truth that in order to banish the worry, it's going to take an act on your part, an act of choice to trust that things will be okay, even if they seem not to be.
It may be that one year from now you're in the same home; it may be that you're in one that's smaller and less expensive. It may be that you're at the same jobs; it may be that you're doing something entirely different. It may be that you're driving the same cars; it may be that you have different cars. It's not part of who I am to tell the future in order to comfort you, but I can tell you quite unequivocally that you can trust that what will happen, will happen for your best. You will be able to deal with situations and to adapt, and you will be fine. Not just fine, but thriving, especially considering some of the directions you've recently decided to go in.
Hang in there. Follow your instinct and trust me. Here's why: when you do trust me, you'll be able to put 100% of your energy into your current affairs, without spending much of that energy on something useless such as worry. That's why I want you to trust me. It's not an ego thing with me--it's about giving you a chance to concentrate fully and completely on what you're doing so that you can do it as well as possible. I can be trusted, just as you can. Trust that fact, and you can trust me.
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